For me it’s a constant battle to keep as vocally silent as possible.
There are occasions of course where I will open up, usually with a close friend, but even then it’s excruciatingly hard for me to say all the things stuck in my head, because in part I simply don’t know how to articulate what it is that is going on in my head, and with my body; this ‘lost for words’ has been hugely exaggerated by the AuDHD diagnosis.
Essentially, I just don’t want to lower someone’s vibe, because it genuinely feels there’s a lack of positive things for me to talk about, as the last few years have just been relentlessly challenging.
Even if I have shared with someone afterwards, I’ll have this immense and overwhelming tidal wave of guilt, and shame, that I didn’t keep my mouth shut.
It’s also got to the point where hearing myself talk about my feelings/emotions makes me feel worse; hearing my own words just reinforces just how ‘low’ and ‘broken’ I feel I am, and won’t be started on my lack of hope for the future.
I just don’t need to hear all this come out of my mouth, yet I know how important it can be to talk about things. The battle ‘to do’ or ‘not to do’, just grinds me to a halt.
Source: x.com/noqbly
